


what if

by mrsandman (spendon)



Series: mania au [4]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, MANIA AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 12:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13434318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spendon/pseuds/mrsandman
Summary: Spencer is a cockblock. To himself.





	what if

**Author's Note:**

> okay okay okay so there's mentions of sex/a kinda sex-y scene but theres no real sex!!!!!!!!

If there’s one thing Spencer can’t believe, it’s that he’s dating the love of his life. At thirteen years old, Spencer came to the shocking realization that he was very much in love with his fourteen year old best friend Brendon Urie. When he saw two male seniors in the park as he walked home from school holding hands and placing shy, giggly, delicate kisses on each other’s cheeks, there was a longing feeling tugging at his chest and the only person that came to mind in that moment was Brendon. Finally he knew what he’d been feeling since he was eleven - it wasn’t a deeper, affectionate friendship that he desired with him. He wanted to be his boyfriend, and he wanted it badly. The very next day, his cheeks were heating up every time he made Brendon laugh or smile, or every time Brendon touched a hand to his shoulder and whispered some kind of alluring secret to him.

After the realization of his crush, there came the self-loathing. Every time he found himself looking at Brendon as anything other than a friend and felt his stomach twist and flutter and his heart soar, he gave himself a mental smack afterwards. Brendon was his best friend, and he was putting everything on the line with these dumb, stupid feelings he had. He was betraying Brendon’s trust. Besides - Brendon would never be into him. Brendon liked cute people. Brendon liked  _ hot _ people. Spencer was neither of those things. And as the years went by, as they got older and closer - when Brendon told him at sixteen years old that he liked guys, too, it only made it that much worse - Spencer found himself growing heartsick. 

At seventeen, Brendon gets a boyfriend and seems absolutely head over heels. Spencer supports him through fake smiles and tells himself that he needs to get over him soon or he’s gonna be in pain for a long time. He thinks he’s finally let go by the time he’s eighteen and Brendon is a year into his relationship. It doesn’t look like it’s going to end anytime soon and he soon tells himself that he’s happy that Brendon is happy. He himself doesn’t take on any girlfriends (or boyfriends, for that matter) and instead starts on a dark path, in a job he shouldn’t have or be doing. His family is struggling and he kidnaps his first target by the time he’s nineteen. It brings in a good amount of money that he can use to support his family. Brendon mentions breaking up with his boyfriend and Spencer doesn’t worry about his own feelings.

When he’s only a month into being twenty-one, Spencer falls hard for a girl who’s pretty and smart and seems into him. His feelings for Brendon are forgotten, or rather, buried deep in the back of his mind, for a good year until the girl goes and breaks his fucking heart. He catches her cheating on him with another man and when she leaves, she takes one of his paychecks with her. He doesn’t mention in to Brendon because he can get his anger out in his work instead. He drinks on the job and for the first time in his life, Spencer has killed someone. The money he’s paid in return for the dirty work more than makes up for what she stole, but there’s a lingering hurt in his heart that soon is filled with affection for Brendon once more.

He has an undefined fling with a guy that lasts for six months, but when he finds out about Spencer’s job (he sees one of Spencer’s first wounds from getting sloppy), he slaps him straight across the face and they have a verbal fight that lasts the whole night. Spencer hisses for him to leave and after that night, he never sees him again. Around his twenty-third birthday he finds another girl who seems to have captured his heart and makes all thoughts of Brendon go away, and it’s serious. Spencer introduces her to his family and they all love her. She’s sweet and kind and boisterous. She likes dogs and she wants to be a vet. She worries about Spencer every night when he comes home looking like a mess but she doesn’t pry. He even introduces her to Brendon and soon, Brendon has another boyfriend himself. They go on double dates and he doesn’t feel a thing except love for the girl he thinks he plans on marrying. He’s three years into his own relationship and Brendon into his with two. The day Brendon calls him and tell him he found his boyfriend cheating is the day he breaks up with his girlfriend and drives over to comfort him immediately.

Spencer stops dating after that. He knows he’s not going to get over Brendon now, because he’s twenty-six and just broke up with someone he once thought was the love of his life because, as it turns out, that’s  _ Brendon _ . It isn’t fair to anyone he meets to date them only to know that it’s out of loneliness and not true love. 

But now, he’s thirty years old and dating his childhood crush. He’s loved him unconditionally for nineteen years and finally,  _ finally _ he gets to be the luckiest son of a bitch in the world, he gets to have  _ Brendon _ . 

The only problem is that, well, uh. It’s been a month and so far all that they’ve done is borderline heavy petting. Spencer loves kissing Brendon. He loves holding him. He loves when they cuddle. All three of those together are just as perfect. But as soon as Brendon’s hips start moving, the second his breathing starts to get heavier, Spencer backs out and resorts back to strictly cuddling. He doesn’t care how hard he is or how badly he wants it - he wants things to be perfect for their first time. It has to be romantic. It has to be slow, and sweet, and gentle. It has to be just the right moment. The only problem is that he doesn’t know how to achieve that perfect moment, and he’s almost maybe a little terrified that he’s gonna be nothing that Brendon wants, that he’s gonna perform poorly, that their first time is going to go horribly, horribly wrong.

He can sense how frustrated Brendon gets every time he pulls back after a make out session that seems to be getting more intense. There’s a weird tension in the air that Spencer leaves beside as he holds Brendon snug against his chest, placing small, delicate kisses to the back of his neck and trying to bring him back down from their own sexual high. It’s even worse and all the more embarrassing when he’s hard and has it pressing right against Brendon’s ass. Spencer feels like a terrible boyfriend.

He doesn’t want to admit that he’s a hopeless romantic and wants it to be perfect. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s scared he won’t be good enough for Brendon. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s actually really fucking terrified to have sex with him. He never thought he’d get this far. He’d never thought he’d even get to date him. Spencer’s pretty sure he can get by avoiding sex for a little while longer. Brendon seems mostly understanding - consent is important, and he backs off the second Spencer stops showing interest in, well, anything. 

He’s effectively cockblocking himself. Spencer makes it another month into avoiding sex until finally, finally Brendon speaks up.

They’re on the couch, with the lights dimmed and a sweet-smelling candle lit. The movie they were supposed to be watching is long over, and they spent the second half of it cozying up to each other and making out instead of paying attention to the probably poorly written plot and loopholes that would fly over their heads and have them praising it until they read a critical review. Spencer’s sprawled across the couch with Brendon on top of him and his hands rubbing up and down his back soothingly, all while they’re locked in a heated kiss.

Things are going fine, until suddenly that familiar strike of panic seizes in his chest and makes him pull away, resting his head on Brendon’s shoulder instead. He drops his hands to his hips and bites his lip a little, chewing on it nervously as he struggles to come up with some excuse as to why they both shouldn’t rip their clothes off and see each other naked and have probably really amazing sex right at that very moment despite how badly they both want to. Nothing reasonable comes to mind, so his voice is strained when he starts to say, “Hey, Brendo-”

“I know,” Brendon cuts him off with a soft whisper, touching his nose to Spencer’s temple. “I know that you’re nervous, Spence. It’s okay.”

His heart is pounding. “What?”

Brendon sits up, fixing him with a serious look. “You’re nervous. But - but hey, I’m not like, a sex god, or anything like that, Spencer.  _ We’re _ not sex gods. However. I am totally, absolutely, one-hundred percent willing to suck your dick. If - if you’re alright with that, I mean! I’m just saying that like- I’m really not gonna judge you or blame it on you if you’re not into that. I just want to let you know that I’m willing?”

Spencer stares at him, his lips parted just a little bit in honest-to-God  _ shock _ . He hadn’t expected that from him, not tonight, not ever. His cheeks are already dusted a light pink from how embarrassed and how turned on he is, but they bloom an even bright red as soon as Brendon’s finished talking. His grip on Brendon’s waist tightens and he has to take a moment to think. On one hand, it’s not sex after a brilliantly planned dinner date that he executed perfectly and properly swooned him with. He isn’t even dressed nice and they’re on the couch, for God’s sake. But on the other hand, the lights are low and the air smells nice and at least the couch is comfortable, and Brendon seems really into it and really sweet and understanding and his face is just so full of concern but understanding and eagerness at the same time. Not to mention that he’s been dreaming about Brendon’s mouth for weeks now and he can’t keep putting it off forever.

“I, uh,” he stammers out, his mouth feeling dry, before he finally manages to get out, “Yeah. Okay. That’s- yeah.”

He can’t believe that Brendon actually wants that from him. He’s not the handsomest guy around and Brendon is definitely ten times more beautiful, he’s littered in scars that make him self-conscious (only around Brendon, he has to be perfect for Brendon, what if Brendon doesn’t like them?), he’s a borderline drunk and one of the more dangerous people in the city. Brendon has known him for practically all his life and he really wants  _ Spencer? _ How fucking  _ lucky _ is he? What did he do that made the universe decide, hey, yeah, this guy deserves the sweetest most perfect boyfriend in the world?

Suddenly he feels this extreme fondness in his chest for Brendon, the man who’s been through everything with him, through thick and thin and fought for him. They’ve been through the hardest of times together, and come out of it as a couple in love. He’s only drawn out of these thoughts, these harmless, innocent,  _ loving _ thoughts when the movement of Brendon sinking down catches his eye. Brendon’s got the most wicked, mischievous smirk on his face and only then does Spencer realize what he’s gotten himself into.

“Oh,  _ fuck _ .”


End file.
